---

Need a planner
and time to watch the movies I bought.

A little impossible after I've signed up for all those events. and important things I've gotta do.


I hate reading my old stuff. Like,
"DIE, old disgusting self!"
and a year later I'll be doing the same with my recent posts.
Since it's like that I might as well keep them all here
and be glad I can at least be disgusted with my old self,
not the new one,
and tell myself I'm growing up bit by bit. I hope.

Don't I write something similar every year?

-

Maybe this space should document my dreams.
Nah, unless I can record videos of them
or spend all day drawing them out.


goodnight.

"The songs are so difficult to follow!"
".."
"they're so strange!"
"..."
"I mean, the melody's odd"
"..."
"not the kind of music we like, huh"
"not the kind you'll like"

------

When do we keep our opinions to ourselves, and when do we not? So I kept quiet and snapped abit at the end I'm sorry. That look on your face after that, the horrible atmosphere. We agreed on watching it together, you were excited at first, along came the string of comments, and the last one "it would've been better if you suggested we watched something else. I would still have let you watch it". But what's the point of you giving in and still be upset (AND let me sense it)? We did agree to watch it together. So much to worry about over a dammed film. I really would've watched it alone if not for my computer which couldn't read the disc.

ignoring the alarm

Why do I always dream of you? Same odd situation and people around us but the journey more exciting and lasted longer. They say we dream of the impossible. Why dream if it makes you long for the unattainable? We can't control our subconscious, so it seems. Nah, it's absolutely true.

Oddly, it's something I've never really wished for, hoped for in real life. Yet when it suddenly appears when you're asleep..

And dreams become a part of you, a part of your life. Yet they never ever do come true. I would call it mentally torturous.

------

Met up with old friends yesterday. Was there silence in non-silence? Nice that we're still meeting up anyway, it's been quite long afterall. People take a while to warm up to each other, I believe, so a few more meetings and we're fine. We watched 'hereafter', which I liked (along with the soundtrack). Movie marathon before they hear the buzzing razor blades close to their ears.

We always recall the old times when we're with people from the past. We only know each others' old selves. Sometimes, it's nice to have a fresh start and talk about the future instead, and to meet new people you know nothing about.

------

I got Regina Spektor's "LIVE IN LONDON" album yesterday.
Comes with a dvd too so I'm glad, gonna watch it soon!



Live performances are always good!

Something different

This must be my.. 5th time posting a video of this song. It's on facebook too. Acoustic live version of Phoenix's Lisztomania. Also, check the mystery jets and the two videos below from Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova out.

Claude Debussy

The best of modern (20th century) classical music
for all classical fans (tell me if you're one please).

A few of his best pieces. I'll save the descriptions for myself. Because it annoys me when I can't put them into precise words.



Arabesque no. 1 (animation)

You MUST watch this even if you won't like the music because the animation is.. therapeutic, amazing, pretty... fit the words in yourself when you watch it.


Clair de lune (french: moonlight) , 3rd mvt of suite bergamasque

My favourite part of the song from 2:30 onwards



Reverie - the first debussy piece I was exposed to



la fille aux cheveux de lin (girl with the flaxen hair)
no. 8 from preludes book 1

My favourite interpretation of the piece but they disabled embedding.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MswHKA4dako




L'isle Joyeuse (Island of joy) - Atsuko Seta



The snow is dancing (from children's corner)

------

I honestly cannot decide which genre I like best.

and I miss choir alot, after watching our videos on youtube.

Falling Slowly

I like the ending of once, a short film about a chapter of the lives of two people. Two lonely people crossing each others' paths, enjoying themselves while they're together, briefly falling in love and moving on with life when they gotta do what they gotta do. I like how it doesn't feel like a movie with everything packed into two hours, just a film moving at a slow, comfortable pace.

Not just like any of those stories where two strangers meet, fall in love and live happily ever after. Why do we need films portraying the perfect life, the perfect romantic ending when such a meeting is so beautiful in itself?

On top of all that, the soundtrack is wonderful. The kind where you can close your eyes and feel the music, like it's a part of you. I played it on the piano right after, there's nothing more I love more than this. It has the power of bringing two individuals together and does simply magic.

Sometimes I do dream of a person who'll play with me, sing with me till the sun goes down; we'll write songs and listen to it after, a smile on each others' face. All we need is each other and this little magic that brings us together. We'll write letters to each other though we're comfortable with each other because there are words that are better written down. And he'll have a way with words, definitely. Getting Gross Goosebumps.



Marketa Irglova - If you want me
This one's haunting. To me, at least.

Really, I'd prefer a live performance or a portion of the film over slideshows like this but there's a problem with the quality..



Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - Falling slowly

I'm sure many have heard this before, I love this one too much.

This is why I'll never be an adult (story of my life)

some hilarious shit I read, thanks to my friend who gave me THIS LINK. I'm guilty of it. Now if you're wondering why I haven't been mentioning any names lately.. it's just that I feel like it.

Honey pumpkin pie

I talked to honey pumpkin pie today, online, it was nice. OKAY I CAN'T STAND THIS, HONEY PUMPKIN PIE IS SUCH A DISGUSTING NAME. Why do lovers even call each other honey pumpkin pie?!

Yes, I'm a secretly hyper person with loads to say when I'm not controlling myself. Just for today I won't care to hide my opinion about anything but the strangest thing is, there's even less need to write here because blogs are useful when there are things you want to say but can't.

(but honestly, the fact that I can tell people I'm sometimes hiding stuff means I'm not hiding much afterall)

So, I'll enjoy my remaining hours of non-restricted thinking.. alone at home. No I'm not complaining, I like it at home.

Colours, pigments, light spectrum, black, white

A few days ago we had a short discussion about why objects are coloured the way they are, and it is known that different materials or chemical compositions absorb different colours from the light spectrum, thus a certain colour is reflected back to our eyes.

But what really happens with paint? Does that mean that each pigment is made of a different chemical composition? That itself makes sense, but what about mixing it? Does the change in colour occur because of the varying proportions of the 'foreign' chemical you're adding in?


Also, it makes so much more sense when they say black is a shade, not a colour. Due to the absence of light, the colour will not be reflected (above explanation). The question is.. why black? I mean, why black and not.. something else..? Something else not in the colour spectrum, just SOMETHING ELSE.

So what material is black paint made of?? Black isn't even a colour on the light spectrum, so what makes objects appear black with the presence of light? Also, there's lamp black, jet black, obsidian black. I'm guessing paints are created due to varying proportions of materials?

Might paint pigments feel different when we switch off the lights? Or they probably don't cause they're all chemical components.

-----------------------------------

I should probably consult google for such answers and physics students might probably know the answer but.. I just felt I should write it down to make things clearer for myself, heh.

{edit} got the question answered with more research on the internet actually. Why is the world so amazingggg?{/edit}

Anyway, I got a link from one of the writers as reference for one of the illustrations yesterday, Sweet disposition by The Temper Trap. Never really took notice of the title since I listen to the 500 days of summer soundtrack while I'm on the bus and my eyes are closed sometimes. Point is, I didn't even know I had this song (which sounded bloody familiar) until I typed it in my iTunes.

People always ask me why I don't delete the bizillion songs on my computer even though I don't listen to all of them and here's the answer: I LOVE IT WHEN I FIND SOMETHING I DON'T EVEN KNOW I HAVE.

I might as well start this with

Dear Diary,

I should be punished for spending so much time to lighten my mood but it worked so it doesn't matter. I've a trouble-free head for the time being, things got too terrible in the afternoon and the only cure was music. Yay, music.

So I tried something on the piano, which was an impromptu medley of songs, as simple as playing whatever that came to my mind as long as I'm playing it in C major. I don't know how the hell Geylang sipaku geylang came after 'the first noel' which came after 'canon in D' in my head but it was great fun. GREAT FUN.

Then I played the guitar and while I was searching for tabs, I chanced upon some videos and in the end everything led me back to the mystery jets, which I liked alot in J1. Got me all excited so I put the link on facebook and got a new link in return from the new (or not so new) mystery jets album. It's about time I listened to these stuff again. Phoenix too!! And my classic rock and oldies and jazz and indie and new stufff. Too much instrumentals and japanese lately haha.

Remind me to get CDs when I fly off to hk during june again.


Love,
I don't care if I sound like a kid here.

Stop freaking building barriers around yourself, fool. My head's about to burst thinking about all the things you've done, inner self. Or should I say outer self who's trying to 'protect' my inner self. Stop it, my head hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Revelation

I've never seen myself being so open about my ideas to people, throwing out everything on my mind and taking in other options and ideas as well. The discussions with two have went really well so far. For the first time in months I actually feel EXCITED, or you could say bloody excited about starting on a piece of work. A very small part of me is worried about the outcome but this excitement completely overrides it. I love the feeling of FINALLY finding something you like.

I want to create that image in my head and make something out of it. Discussions have never seemed as fun, not much compromisations too. I feel it's because of the freedom both sides enjoy since it's sort of like a collaborative work. I always thought working with someone else will always be tough, maybe I was wrong. Right now, I just hope there'll be enough time to complete them, running a really tight schedule here so off I go. Excitement coursing through my veins. With all my crossed fingers and toes, please let things go well.

I better remind myself to not get frustrated if it doesn't turn out right the first time. Just draw till you get it.

All the things you want to say only reveal themselves when you're

alone.

I return with regrets

after I wave goodbye, wondering why I kept so much from others even when there isn't much of an intention to (more of an instinct), and I actually do want to share.


Everytime -

I say the wrong things - wrong things being what's actually NOT on my mind, always saying the opposite accidentally, in a hurry to give a response. They're waiting for one, quick! A good one, quick!

I keep quiet in order to avoid the wrong words from coming out, resulting in tense atmosphere sometimes.

I sometimes feel awkward even with the ones I know, not knowing what to do when they try to establish a kind of contact - eye contact, friendly physical contact. What is an appropriate response?


--------------------------------

I just want to enjoy myself easily, the way everybody does it.

To fully enjoy myself, without a million things on my mind all the time.

It's not the people, not the company that's lacking, I like the company. It's the absence of the entire ME, the inability to immerse myself in a conversation or the company of others rather than my own world of thoughts that will never reveal itself to simply anybody anytime.

Only the strangest, most nonsensical ones without thought make an appearance - perhaps what people associate me with.

If there's so much I hate, it only means there's so much I don't understand. Or are there any other ways to view it?

--

Oh I forgot to add, art stage was awesome. I've never seen such a large scale art event in Singapore before, it's nice to see three expo halls filled with people and interesting pieces. Much better viewing experience compared to the quiet SAM even on weekends.

Christian Schoeler's oil paintings were my favourite from the whole exhibition, loved his painting style so much. They remind me of Lucian Freud, just a little bit. Anybody who reads this should know he's my favourite artist, from his ideas to his painterly style. You see what I mean:


(lousy photo, I know. There were lots of people so I didn't have time to take a proper shot. This painting was huge, too.)




I'm sorry I didn't take note of the titles.

I'd buy a Christian Schoeler painting if I had the money. Or if I were a billionaire, Naked girl asleep by Lucian Freud - obviously not because of the naked girl but the entire idea. I've explained why I like that painting sooo much in a previous entry so I won't do so here. (I wouldn't know where to dig for it though, a few months back perhaps?) Google it up :)



We saw pretty new concepts too - projected images on greyscale paintings, moving shadows cast by a moving lightsource (it's difficult to describe, but Crystal City by Donna Ong did leave a huge impact on many viewers), paintings with volcanic ash etc.


The said volcanic Ash painting (with resin and mixed media)


Close up: canned drinks


From far: holycrap it's Georges Seurat's A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte! Once again, I apologize for the bad angle there was a persistent person at the side who refused to walk away from the painting.

Chris Jordan - Cans Seurat



Liu Zhuo quan - (untitled, I suppose?)

ALL the bottles are painted from the inside, like the chinese 鼻烟壶s. I'm amazed by the number of bottles displayed, all painstakingly painted this way. It must've taken ages to complete them.


like these. You can clearly tell from the cola bottle.


Oh and.. A REAL WANG GUANG YI PAINTING. You can tell they're REALLY hand painted, unlike what we see in the SOVA notes. I'm not much of a fan of his paintings but it's normal reaction to get all excited when you see a painting you've familiar with isn't it?


There were picasso paintings too, tiny ones of course.



I must admit I didn't have enough time to read the work description or look at it long enough to get what the artist was trying to say. You can poke your head up the holes just to see white trees all around you. Not in analysing mood now so I'll end the post here.

I'm just glad Miss K gave us the tickets for exhibition :)

The Beatles - If I Fell


Evan Rachel Wood - If I Fell (Across the Universe OST)


I used to love Even Rachel Wood's version more but now I'm not really sure cause the harmony in the Beatles' version (okay, not their version it's THEIR original) is so amazing. It sounds simple with just the guitar and basic drum beats but within them it's kind of intricate and complex. But then again, you could say the same for Evan Rachel Wood's voice in that video. Gosh, her voice.

Hope I'll try my best the next 14 days. We had our first official meeting today, all I can do is to try my best and throw away whatever fear I have I guess. But it's been months.. can't deny I actually miss coursework the moment brainstorming started.

Listening to Ohoku soundtrack with a few (really) great tracks in there. I miss playing in a band. Alot. Why can't they show the movie in Singapore?! It sounds like something I like ahh. Also, GANTZ will be screening in Singapore from 14th April, I'm definitely going to catch it even though sci-fi is not my thing. (for the most obvious reasons) Fans of the anime (this one's acted out) seem really excited on the forums though. Okay maybe not all are fans and not my type of story as well.. BUT! There's still the biggest reason for me watch it.. I'll decide later.

Missk has gladly given us a few complementary tickets for art stage at marina bay sands and tomorrow's the final exhibition day!

--

Foxes and Shiba Inus (click!) are such beautiful animals.. I've been looking at photos of Shiba Inus at least once a week ever since I got back from that island in hongkong where I saw a lady carrying the most beautiful Shiba Inu EVER. I kept starting at its eyes throughout the entire ferry ride. Not planning to get one for myself, of course.

Such a beauty, esp from 1:38 onwards. & I like the fact that they're independent, intelligent, foxy and has a mind of their own.

(a slightly cuter one)

(a red fox!)

I'm not THAT much of a dog lover. This is the only breed I like so much. I don't know, it's so full of poise and looks really smart don't you think? Kind of steady and calming for me too.

--

One more thing I love:



sparkly eyes! His eyes are sparkly in photos, dramas, movies... everywhere! Soft, sad and in a beautiful shade of caramel brown.

Now I sound like a freak.
Goodnight then. I've got things to accomplish.

I'll make the night my day.

Remind me to sleep at 8pm everynight,
wake up at 2am,
sleep at 7am,
wake up at 11am,
and sleep at 8pm again.

Cause my brain is awake and my body ain't,
but I've got things to do which can't be accomplished in the day
thanks to the owl in me.



Jim Sturgess - Across the universe (ost)

I've got this song to keep me company while I try to hold on for 15 minutes more before I collapse. Then I'll listen to it on the ipod till I fall asleep and wake up the next morning full of regrets. For not starting work earlier though I enjoy it. But I know I wouldn't have done it in the day anyway. I played the piano for many hours today.

Opening up to people is so difficult and I wonder why I always end up pushing questions about myself away when I want to find out more about the other party as well. When will someone ever be 'close enough'? I can't get back to sleep because I'm too bothered but I've written everything in my diary so it's okay.

There are people you know you can relate to but you know you just can't. Probably because they don't even know you understand. I'm just unable to let them know I DO understand their words.

I don't know if I should feel ashamed for having too many views - I sometimes do. (why?) I have so much such that there isn't even time for my brain to filter what can be seen by others and what cannot.

Today I asked myself why I even have to filter them out. Why am I afraid of conflict when people say I sound like I'm heated up anyway? Perhaps the reason I don't speak is that I'm afraid I'll sound too heated up in an argument. The more I try to avoid it, the more I can't be myself in front of others. When I'm the one who hates the act of putting up a front the most.


I feel alive when I can think in the wee hours of the morning.

My brother's in sweden, freezing probably. I didn't think I'd miss him so much until a minute before he said bye and I felt like squeezing him so tight but I didn't so I started tearing.



lyrics here

This song has been put on repeat since monday night cause it's so sad with the piano accompaniment and nino strumming away on the guitar with a troubled expression and him pouring all his emotions into the song. Or maybe because he cried in one of the performances. Shibata Jun has a nicer voice (beautiful, actually) but she wasn't into the mood that much so I prefer this version although she wrote the song. & I must credit her for writing such a nice song.


One thing I like about songs in another language is that you can pay more attention to the music and the mood, especially when it's written to express the most heartfelt emotions. When it comes to lighter music, the mood feels much lighter too.

I wish I could write in another language so whatever I say wouldn't be made so obvious and not too much attention would be paid on the lyrics. It'd be great if people had to use extra effort to figure out the meaning when it's something special and private.

To me, yume's like a perfect piece with the best of both worlds.



Beach house - Zebra


Oren Lavie - Her morning Elegance

(I like the video though I'm sure some may have seen it. I first listened to it when my friend put it on her blog anyway)

Lyrics you can directly understand relate to always have a special place in your heart of course, it wouldn't be nice listening to japanese and instrumentals all the time. But honestly, I look for the mood first and then the lyrics, and that's when I find my favourite song cause the lyrics are there too.

--

I totally deleted the part I wrote about nino lol

Can fate be blamed when the reasons we create for ourselves are the ones which make things worse? The world is unfair when we view it that way, our actions affected by it. What is fate, what is equality? Why do some have it worse than others, and what makes up for their loss? Their personality? The way they can accept reality, a gift not everybody has?

Ahh too much drama in byakuyakou. Watching yukiho manipulate the one who loves her pisses me off yet I kind of sympathise with her, knowing how dark her childhood was. I took a break by reading a review (a fantastic one at that) so I'm going back into that world again. Of course I'm talking to myself.

Instrumentals

白夜を行く - byakuyakou instrumental ost

My heart feels heavy everytime I listen to this, especially after the first minute. I think it's the prolonged low notes and the sad melody from the violin. And around the middle, flower buds start to bloom and grow, brought by the wind to another place where they wither and die. Japanese music remind me of flowers all the time

Actually there's another piece from the soundtrack, 祈り (inori) which seriously leaves you in a depressed mood especially when it comes from the drama but they don't have it on youtube :( There's a low, continuous melody (cello or doublebass) accompanied by a sad tinkling melody on a much higher pitch, the notes like stars which can't be reached where the sad mellow notes continue. The tinkling notes like a hopeful melody but you just know it doesn't exist. Downright depressing I swear it's worse than the one above.


There are two other instrumental tracks that reminds me of star studded skies:


Ryuusei no Kizuna OST - Shishiza Ryusei-gun



Sora kara furu ichioku no hoshi OST - Godsend



They make you fall in love with instrumentals. Yup.

Being sensitive makes me feel alive,
yet it brings me sadness more than anything else,
the sadness this sensitivity brings makes me feel like dying.

Being insensitive makes me feel dead and empty,
yet it brings me happiness and optimism for I don't sense darkness,
the happiness insensitivity brings helps me live on.

Choosing between a dead soul or a dead body, it's probably the second. Being sad enough to die isn't easy, why not let your soul live?

Removing the profile at the side makes me feel like I'm alright with being judged. Why did I have to tell people who I am anyway?
(or is it the improved me I want to be)

They can see for themselves from what I write and I've come to belief that nobody will know who we really are anyway. Even if you don't hide anything, it's impossible for anybody to know every part of you and there's no image that you can intend to create.

I started on 'byakuyakou' today after re-watching 'all about lily chou-chou', the latter reminded me of how I started to love debussy so much. It really takes a few times before you can fully understand all about lily chou-chou but it got better when I read a review saying it's better to feel it instead of understanding it.

Currently, I don't know how I should feel towards Byakuyakou. It's a psychological suspense drama with romance (which drama doesn't have romance) but some parts were abit unbelievable. To kill at the age of 11 for the one you love even if it was to protect her from further abuse (worst kind a girl can get)? Despite this, I found myself drawn to the drama because the music sets the perfect mood - depressing, slightly eerie. Anyway, the acting is pretty good thus far and my favourite child actor, Fukada Mayuko is in there (she acted as Shindo Hikaru in Joou no kyoushitsu). Role played brilliantly in byakuyakou. I must say this again - great ost so far.

Don't get me wrong I'm not in any I-want-to-get-emo state, it's just interesting to watch or try to decipher things. Right, I'll get back to byakuyakou when I have the chance to and hope it'll at least be half as good as A million stars falling from the sky. If you asked me, I wouldn't really know why exactly I love that drama so much. Maybe it's the ending and probably everything besides the first two episodes.

Okay a few more dramas and I should stop before I get seriously addicted again :/ There are too many other things I have to do.

My back hurts and I just cooked an entire meal and washed the dishes like a housewife. Just that I sit in front of the computer instead of the TV with "ai" on channel.. (channel what?) Okay I don't know. My back hurts like crap.

Humans can be selfish, but selfishness does not exist

alone.

It exists with love, and love does not exist without selfishness.



To love someone, to hope they'll always be there,
the fear of losing them.

To care for someone, in the end, is mostly because of the fear
of losing them, isn't it?
But isn't there still love? Isn't that love?



Perhaps love isn't pure, and might not be all that great
but as long as there's love does it matter so much?
for it is something mysterious we won't know much about,
even if we attempt to.



The love for a child, a lover.

If there isn't really unconditional love but we've experienced
love, too much love, the greatest kind of love
that we can never repay for there is really too much,

perhaps the only way to repay is to understand it's fine they're protecting us because they don't want to lose us,
and repay the love by loving ourselves for them as well,
to make sure they won't lost us is the best we can do

for the one(s) we love as well.



and because we'll come to understand them some day,
just not yet.


----------------------------------------------------------------


Loving ourselves for others, sounds pretty ironic doesn't it?

A build up of my thoughts and experiences, a sudden realisation.
Still pretty much naive and one sided view but still an opinion.

--

Finished watching Ryuusei no Kizuna today, great from the 7th episode onwards. I just couldn't stand the first 6 episodes with comedy injected into such a tragic theme. Everytime I watch happy endings I just wish they'd end more realistically and tragically. Endings you'll never be able to guess, something to let you bawl your eyes out and remember for the rest of your life.

Happy endings are so predictable.

Wouldn't it be interesting if they made a side story a main one? (for the lack of a better way to put it)

I was watching Juyon-sai no haha, about a 14 year old girl who got pregnant and throughout the story it was all about her and her parents, while her little brother was always left out from the family conversations and whenever he asked they'd say "it's nothing".

I mean, it'd be quite interesting to have a movie/drama where there's a MAJOR event going on but it only plays a SMALL role in the movie. Like in the case of this show, it'll ALL be about the jealous little boy growing up with all kinds of xxx complex cause nobody bothered much about him since young. Being told "you won't understand" a million times and his family hiding such big secrets from him. No trust, not much love and all. Then the story will slowly develop and he'll grow into this emo rebellious boy etc.

..and the story about the pregnant girl as a 'side story' kind of thing.


Okay I'm totally useless at expressing my ideas it just makes everything sound stupid. If I ever create an artwork again I'll remind myself to do something like that. More perspectives eh?


-----


Just started watching Ryuusei no Kizuna about three siblings in search of the person who killed their parents while they were young and plan to get rid of him themselves. It's alright at episode 1 so far, but I heard it get's really interesting at the climax.

I just love it when my favourite actors play the main roles in dark-themed dramas. Sora kara furu ichioku no hoshi was THE reason I liked Kimura Takuya so much (Hero too) and now there's Ninomiya Kazunari with Ao no Hono, Ryuusei no Kizuna and all his emo roles. Especially nino with his sad, watery eyes. Absolutely convincing acting when he gets all emotional and starts shouting too.

draftdraftdraft...kraft. Kraft cheese reminds me of food it's 2am

"Now, people who imagine me as the 60s media partygoer who traditionally arrived at parties within as minimum six-person 'retinue' may wonder how I dare to call myself a "loner", so let me explain how I really mean that and why it's true.

At times in my life when I was feeling the most gregarious and looking for bosom friendships, I couldn't find any takers, so that exactly when I was alone was when I felt the most like not being alone. The moemnt I decided I'd rather be alone and not have anyone telling me their problems, everybody I'd never even seen before in my life started running after me to tell me things I'd just decided I didn't think it was a good idea to hear about.

As soon as I became a loner in my mind, that's when I got what you might call a "following"."



This got me interested. The Philosophy of Andy Warhol (From A to B and Back again) got interesting from page 23 on.

Something I've realised over the years is that I prefer reading material that are more.. realistic, should I say? I loved reading autobiographies since young and stories about love and fantasy didn't interest me much.

I love reading books with thoughts/ideas I can relate to. You can't relate to fantasy so I guess this should be a better explanation.

--------------------------------------------

(I typed this before I concluded it's because I like things I can relate to)

I always ask myself why I'm such a realistic person because I always had the impression that people who feel for things more than others do prefer fiction to fact. Liking facts make me feel like I'm not fit for things like drawing or writing. I never really understood this.

Also, isn't the escaping from reality the reason why I always procrastinate? Like if I didn't want to go for an exam I'd just sit there till the time passed so nothing could be done anymore. Is that being realistic at all? No.

The most troubling fact is that there's so much I know about myself, or you could say I'm very conscious of myself. I catch myself doing things quickly and try to track down the reason why I'm doing it. There's so much I "know" and alot of them are conflicting and in the end there's even more about myself I don't know.

Common experiences?

Anyway, I'm glad I found a nice book because if I haven't, I would be walking around a mall feeling really empty.

It always happens when I walk around malls, nothing much excites you and it's far from having 'quality time' because there's just a whole bunch of people walking around you. And sometimes you meet people you know and you're forced to smile.

You don't even get too excited when you buy things. The moment you see something nice an irrational part of you will go "NICE I WANT TO GET IT!!", and you get ALL EXCITED (for 5 minutes) while shopping cause all of a sudden there are pretty, concrete objects in front of you. Then you go "shopping isn't that bad afterall".

It's like, the reality in non-reality, I don't even know how to phrase it. When you dream of getting stuff, you dream of a certain image you have and when they're placed in front of you everything seems real. So for a moment it's exciting to see an image you wanted being fulfilled.



.. then you buy it and you comb the mall wanting to search for nicer stuff to create the wanted image for yourself but in the end it's not as if you're LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. You're just "looking for something" to fill a sort of, emptiness.

So the next time someone asks me out shopping I might want to buy alot again but when I go back I just know it's not right. And there's never satisfaction. There's always that void.

As the title suggests, I wonder if people feel this way too.

"Now, people who imagine me as the 60s media partygoer who traditionally arrived at parties within as minimum six-person 'retinue' may wonder how I dare to call myself a "loner", so let me explain how I really mean that and why it's true.

At times in my life when I was feeling the most gregarious and looking for bosom friendships, I couldn't find any takers, so that exactly when I was alone was when I felt the most like not being alone. The moemnt I decided I'd rather be alone and not have anyone telling me their problems, everybody I'd never even seen before in my life started running after me to tell me things I'd just decided I didn't think it was a good idea to hear about.

As soon as I became a loner in my mind, that's when I got what you might call a "following"."



This got me interested. The Philosophy of Andy Warhol (From A to B and Back again) got interesting from page 23 on.

Something I've realised over the years is that I prefer reading material that are more.. realistic, should I say? I loved reading autobiographies since young and stories about love and fantasy didn't interest me much.

I love reading books with thoughts/ideas I can relate to. You can't relate to fantasy so I guess this should be a better explanation.


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(I typed this before I concluded it's because I like things I can relate to)

I always ask myself why I'm such a realistic person because I always had the impression that people who feel for things more than others do prefer fiction to fact. Liking facts make me feel like I'm not fit for things like drawing or writing. I never really understood this.

Also, isn't the escaping from reality the reason why I always procrastinate? Like if I didn't want to go for an exam I'd just sit there till the time passed so nothing could be done anymore. Is that being realistic at all? No.

The most troubling fact is that there's so much I know about myself, or you could say I'm very conscious of myself. I catch myself doing things quickly and try to track down the reason why I'm doing it. There's so much I "know" and alot of them are conflicting and in the end there's even more about myself I don't know.

I was reading a book and thoughts came to me. I like it when there are things on my mind. As usual, those "why am I like __? What makes me think this way?" questions come in but I thought it'd be good if they were phrased in a "I am ______, it's strange seeing how such a behaviour conflicts with my supposed personality, maybe there are certain reasons to why I'm behaving in certain manners" way.

In the past, I never believed in "telling yourself things", like telling yourself to calm down when you're nervous so you'd actually be calm or in this case, remind myself to rephrase things and not ask too much 'whys' (it's too confusing and depressing).

To me, it was a "let yourself be yourself, why change things?" thing but we can't keep our 'bad traits' so we should constantly remind ourselves of the things we should change to make ourselves happier.

This post was supposed to be short but ended up really long so I'm gonna split them into sections.. ?

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Seems like I'm unconsciously keeping to myself lately.. or something.

I've been unusually quiet around people, even the ones I could talk alot to. I apologize if it's boring hanging out with me these days since I don't talk much, it's to the extent of awkwardness sometimes.

Whenever there's silence, I always wonder if it's comfortable silence or not. People say silence can be comfortable, but I normally feel weird when there's nothing to say, like I'm responsible for it. What if "omg, it's boring now maybe we shouldn't hang out next time" crosses their mind? Or maybe because there are times where I can talk alot so silence is unusually uncomfortable? But how does it feel like for the other party? I guess there's no answer to this.


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About the lack of updates here.. there's less need to write, that's why. It's more like the lack of sensitivity towards everything.

To say I've been preoccupied with other stuff is just an excuse, I would say. This blog should mean far much than other things but I just, honestly feel so little about everything now. Strange phenomenon.

Also, I've been appearing offline 99% of the time simply because I'm at a loss for words these days. It's amazing how I had so much to say in the past. Small talks felt fine then, I guess.


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Though people say "you'll have no regrets if you try your best!!",

I hate trying my best. I really hate to try my best. I hate to see myself fail, or to see myself not being good enough. It's a pretty warped thinking, come to think of it. Failure that doesn't come with effort doesn't feel so much like a failure to me. Failure is when you try hard but still can't be good enough.

It's a day to a new year, it's time I got rid of this warped mindset that's ruining me in many ways unimaginable.


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I'm a sucker for retro stuff.

So I went around asking shops if they sold portable cd players (discman) but it didn't matter that all of them gave me the "hello it's 2010 not 1998 why are you looking for a cd player when there are mp3 players all around?!"

and I got sooo excited (secretly or not so secretly) when I saw a shop selling vinyl records AND AND a vinyl player!! they cost 270 and if my dad's one is really spoilt... how about one to last me the next few decades?? I mean, they still sell vinyl records in HMV..


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We found a really cool cafe today, by the way.



Lastly, I cannot stand how horrible my english has become.